How Do You Do This

It’s been a few years since I’ve had to put on my “fully-functional” face for more than a few days. I have good days & bad days, but the bad days sometimes run on. Yesterday was a good day. I let myself think that meant I would have a run of good days. That is an error I often make – that the bad will go on too long, or the good will stick around.

It doesn’t matter whether the “bad” is my body, my mind, or both entertwined. It’s just that I am unable to function at full capacity without tremendous will-power.

I’ve known many with chronic illnesses & disabilities that manage to function more consistently than me. It’s hard to avoid comparison. Like many it’s easier to assume that I’m lacking in something that they have. Comparison is futile. We do what we are able.

I try to live one day at a time. I kick myself if I “waste” a good day by just enjoying it, and not “accomplishing” anything. Then I let that go when I realize that reveling in the pleasure of a good day is not a waste, it’s a needed respite.

But on days like today I catch myself thinking, “how do you do it?” to those who make full lives with broken bodies or shadowed minds.

I just want to medicate & drift away from the pain. Everything hurts. My mind says “this is the best it will be, give up.” I say no, for look how far I’ve come, I’m not giving up just yet.

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About margoness

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