Kicking and Screaming, a series about change
The first entry in a series about change.
I don’t know why humans seem to be programmed to hate change so much, but we are. Even somewhat enlightened people. I know intellectually that it’s the meaning I attach to my thoughts & fears that makes change so terrifying, but it doesn’t stop me from fighting it all the way.
I have potentially major life changes approaching at a rapid speed, I’m going to bring you all along for the ride. Lucky you.
Stage 1: Denial, avoidance, numbing, distracting.
I’ve been in stage one for at least 6 months. I have some mail, some not even opened. I’ve opened enough to know that It’s possible I could lose my only income, pittance though it is, it’s the last thing between me and complete dependence on my sister, which will never be acceptable to either me or her. But did I get right on that, do what I had to do to possibly avoid it, or to find another source of income? Nope. I tossed the unopened mail in a box.
Recently, I got more mail. I opened one. Shit, a deadline. Did I do something? Nope. I put all the relevant papers and mail in a pile, then proceeded to drink wine, smoke weed, hide in my room watch TV, play on Twitter,and reconsider the decision I made a few years ago to remove suicide as an escape option.
I can only come to the conclusion that deep down I need this change to happen. I’m forcing my own hand through procrastination. Sometimes that’s the way it works with me. I know I left my big-girl panties around here somewhere, they must be underneath that pile of Oh fuck what am I going to do, I’m tired of starting over, and I’m too fucking old to do this.
I have to fight the voice in my head that wants me to quit before I’ve tried, that comes up with a million excuses why I can’t succeed, that cries out that it’s not fair I should have to struggle so much still at 57 years old. And I have to constantly counter my inner 2 year old trying like hell to get me to start a first rate pity-party.
So, I’m off to open that mail, get on the phone, and generally see if I can salvage my current income, at least temporarily, until I figure out another way to earn money.
If you don’t hear from me in 2 days, send out a search party.